Achieving Work Life Balance (WLB) – six ideas to improve your WLB

We live in a world where there is a perennial cry for better WLB.  This is sometimes presented as a goal that can be achieved and then you can move onto the next task...  However, as with most tricky things in life, it is not an easy as it at first appears. Turning to the dictionary, the word ‘balance’ is both a noun and verb and both are worth exploring further.  

‘Balance’ as a noun is a destination word, a ‘thing’, and is defined as ‘an even distribution of weight enabling someone or something to remain upright and steady’.  When most of us consider the goal of achieving better WLB, I suspect that this is not what we have in mind!  Although, it is admirable to display these qualities on occasions.

‘Balance’, as a verb, fits more appropriately in the context of living.  One of the most useful dictionary definitions is: ‘Keep or put something in a steady position so that it does not fall’.  You may recall from grammar lessons, or picked up learning along the way that, a verb is a ‘doing’ word and this is the concept that I believe it is most helpful to hold onto.   To achieve balance requires constant readjustment to the dynamic nature of the world and our lives within it. 

We go through different stages in our life and, indeed, with our jobs or families or other responsibilities where we have changing pressures that mean we devote varying amounts of time to them.  This requires conscious thought and effort on our part so that we place our attention on those aspects of our lives that matter most to us or require more inputs (perhaps just for a short period).  Activities, like completing a ‘Wheel of Life’ (see image and guidance below), in which we plot where we spend our time are useful feedback points for us and can jolt us into action to focus on those parts of our lives where we are simply not spending enough time.  

Wheel of Life

To complete the wheel of life you simply allocate a score (from 0-10) to the different headings and see your distribution and where there are low scores.  You can then determine whether you would want to make any changes.  This tool also allows you to place a focus on the future and consider the changes you might make to the different areas and thus set goals to make some changes.

The ‘Wheel of Life’ is a useful tool that coaches use with clients, sometimes at the outset of a coaching relationship to assess the balanced nature (or otherwise) of a client’s life.  However, it should not be viewed in a fixed way.  As we know, balance is a ‘doing’ word and that means we should be active in our processing of where we spend our time.  The pressures within the wider world through the ‘always connected’ use of technology and the insecurities of our working life and the growth of the ‘gig’ economy often places a greater focus on our need to spend more time on work.  It is important to tune into this pressure and consciously consider what you want to do with your time.  It’s not easy to strive for balance but it is worth it.  I have set out below six ideas to consider for achieving balance.  These ideas emerge both my studies and my work with coaching clients and from good practice in this field:   

1.       Be consciously aware of where you spend your time and judge whether you are happy with this allocation.  Using the Wheel of Life may be a useful starting point in this respect, and enables you to look at where you are and where you would like to be with your WLB and allows you to keep both under review.

2.       Consider the ‘doing’ nature of balance, and the need to adjust to stay in balance.  One useful visual of constant readjustment, that can appear effortless, is a red kite (or similar large bird), in flight.  To soar in this way, a red kite needs to ‘read’ the thermals and adjust.  It is ironic that to appear effortless requires a lot of effort!  

3.       Know your patterns and where you spend your time automatically.  It may be that you have a message from childhood that you constantly try to live up to of ‘work harder and provide for others’.  This is important, but so is finding joy in family times and having space to think and reflect, as well as simply relaxing.

4.       Take control of how you allocate your time.  Put structure into your calendar that allocates balance for you.  If you can, manage your own diary and consciously build time into those parts of your life that you wish to extend.

5.       Review and reflect regularly on whether you are happy with your life and the balance within it.  This requires insight and self-awareness into what is important for you both now and into the future.  Rather than make a radical shift that can be de-stabilising, make small adjustments along the way.  We are constantly changing (through ageing and hopefully growing in wisdom) and it makes sense that we reflect that in the way we live our lives.

6.       Not wanting to sound too fatalistic, but for each of us life will come to an end.  As depressing as this thought may be, it can also be one that improves the quality of our living.  Reminding ourselves that we live our lives day-by-day can spur us into action to improve our WLB.  How we spend our time shapes who we are and it pays for us to consider whether we are content with who we are now in the world and where we spend our time.  

Margaret Walsh is a registered member of the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy, a Member of the Association of Coaching and a Fellow of the Chartered Institute of Personnel & Development.  She works with individuals and groups using a mixture of coaching and psychotherapy to help deepen self-awareness from which to bring about change.  She works face-to-face as well as by Skype and telephone and can be contacted on margaretwalshcoach@gmail.com

Understanding Your Unconscious Bias

Most of us like to think of ourselves as fair and open-minded, but we all make snap judgements, use stereotypes and, at times, make unfair assessments about other people.  We all have biases and many of these happen automatically, outside of our conscious awareness, in our unconscious.  Consider for a moment this well-known riddle:

A son and his father are involved in a horrific car accident and the father dies at the scene.  The son has serious injuries and is rushed to hospital.  When in the operating theatre the surgeon, on seeing the injured boy, says ‘I cannot operate, this is my son’.

How can this be?  The answer is at the end of this blog.  It’s useful to reflect on the answer that you gave and how quickly you made your judgement. 

Often, the results of unconscious bias are that we negatively stereotype a person without intending to do so.  Public attitudes and explicit behaviour have shifted in the UK over time with the role of women and the treatment of individuals from ethnic minority groups changing radically in the last fifty years.  Far fewer people are explicitly racist or sexist than was the case a couple of decades ago.  However, what has not changed are our implicit or unconscious biases; those biases that we have which are below the surface of our conscious awareness. 

So, why do we need to worry about bias and its impact, particularly in the world of work?  Looking at the facts is most helpful here.  In the UK, the Boards of our top 150 FTSE companies have 24% women and less than 2% from Black, Asian Minority Ethnic groups.   Within organisations, the culture of the organisation is primarily influenced by those in the most senior positions who act as powerful role models for others.  So, if most of our senior leaders are white males, it is the biases of these individuals which will shape core decisions, strategies and policies on how the organisation is run.  Bias can take many forms from ‘affinity’ bias, where we favour people ‘a bit like us’ or ‘halo’ bias, where we are impressed by a person because they are very good in one area.

Unconscious bias is important to understand in education as this will shape the next generation.  There is evidence of a pattern of behaviour in the UK at present, reported by the Institute of Physics, in which girls opt out of the ‘difficult’ subjects like Physics at ‘A’ level (with only 20% of girls taking Physics), despite doing better than boys in their GCSE Physics results.  In those schools where there are fewer girls studying Physics to ‘A’ level, the girls are to be found in the more traditional ‘female’ Arts subjects.  It is important for schools to consider the way that they, perhaps unconsciously, steer pupils of different genders in their subject choices.  A further example of the potential of unconscious bias is that as white, working-class boys get older they are now seen to be underachieving in some schools.  This may be down to several factors like the social inequalities in their lives ramping up; their own unconscious bias which sets low expectations as they do not see people like them doing well in the world; and, perhaps, their parents or their teachers self-fulfilling prophecies about their potential.  Biases can compound and make a problem seem intractable.  

     

It is not easy to address the issue of unconscious bias.  Indeed, there may be a reluctance for some individuals to talk about what is going on in their head as they might fear being viewed as a stereotype and so their thoughts are suppressed.  However, this is counter-productive as the key to addressing unconscious bias is to talk it through and applying sustained effort in understanding it on an on-going basis.   Each of us has a role to play in unravelling this issue and the best place to start is with ourselves.  It is important to know your own biases and to work with them.  The more that you know, the more you will be able to interrupt your automatic thinking processes and decide how you will work with it.  You can access the Implicit Association Test (IAT) run by Harvard University as part of Project Implicit to check your own implicit or unconscious bias against a range of different types of people: https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/takeatest.html

With your results, keep in mind that we are complex, and so be cautious about giving too much weight to any one test.  Instead, consider your behaviour in the world and how to raise your awareness of your biases so you are more consciously aware of your own behaviour and decision-making.  My previous blog, ‘Why the most effective way of deepening your self-awareness is to tune into your unconscious’, is a resource to help you understand your unconscious processing and how this impacts on your behaviour and your potential for bias. 

   

Margaret Walsh is a registered member of the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy, a Member of the Association of Coaching and a Fellow of the Chartered Institute of Personnel & Development.  She works with individuals and groups using a mixture of coaching and psychotherapy to help deepen self-awareness from which to bring about change.  She works face-to-face as well as by Skype and telephone and can be contacted on margaretwalshcoach@gmail.com

The answer to the test is: the surgeon is the mother   

Source – Data on women and ethnic minority individuals on Boards – Spencer Stuart UK Board Index 2016

Why the most effective way of deepening your self-awareness is to tune into your unconscious

It may sound like a riddle to read that to deepen your self-awareness, you need to understand your thinking patterns that are, most likely, unknown to you.   Yet, the accepted wisdom in Neuroscience is that over 90% of our thoughts come from our unconscious mind.  What is going on in your unconscious mind matters if you are serious about developing your self-awareness.  However, the challenge here is knowing that it is easier to tune out the uncertainty of not knowing rather than face this idea that your thoughts, which often drive your behaviour, are outside your conscious awareness.   

As it’s important to know what we’re dealing with, I’ll start by providing an overview of what is meant by the unconscious mind.  It can be viewed as the place where most of the work of the mind gets done.   It is the store for automatic skills (e.g. breathing), the source of intuition and dreams, and an engine of information processing.  Fleeting perceptions may register in the unconscious mind (e.g. bias towards a gender or race) long before we are aware of them.  From a visual perspective, the mind could be viewed as an iceberg, with your conscious awareness above the water and most of the unconscious processing happening beneath the surface of the water (i.e. outside of your awareness).  

So how do you tap into your unconscious?  From my studies and work, I have identified the following six ideas as starting points to grow your understanding of your own unconscious:

1.       Be curious and open-minded about how you are in the world

Become aware of the latest research and literature about the unconscious by reviewing breakthroughs in the field of Neuroscience.  One of the ways that we learn to adapt in a changing world is through our self-awareness.  Also, become comfortable with ‘not knowing’ the answers; which is also very good training for living in the world where there are so many uncertainties impacting on our lives e.g. Brexit, climate change and artificial intelligence.  There are parallels here with our internal world; both have ambiguity that we need to navigate and problem-solve.  With our internal world, psychometrics, theories and frameworks like Myers Brigg Type Indicator are helpful ‘shorthand’ to gaining insight into ourselves, but be mindful of not being ‘boxed-in’.  We are all individuals.

2.       Every relationship or interaction has dynamics within and surrounding it

If you consider that everyone that you have contact with has an unconscious, which drives behaviours that are most likely outside of their awareness, and that these collide at times with your own unconscious, then you start to understand the scope for conflict and misunderstanding in many relationships.  It also starts to explain why we might surround ourselves with individuals who have similar beliefs and ideas as our own (‘our tribe’) who may look and sound like us.  This is often more comfortable and affirming even though we miss out hugely on the diversity of thinking and connection that comes from being with people who are different to us. 

Psychodynamic theory, which was first published over 100 years ago, and has an established body of research, teaches us that our early relationships, with our parents and siblings ‘imprint’ a pattern of behaviour that we can often repeat (frequently unconsciously) throughout our lives.  Transference is a powerful feeling for someone whose traits mirror those of a significant person from one’s past and can be either positive or negative.   It may be that certain types of people remind us of, say, one or both of our parents and bring out unconscious feelings like ‘anger’ or a ‘desire to please’, which we may not even notice.      

3.       Use reflection time

The pace of change in the 21^st century is fast and with demanding jobs, family responsibilities, the Internet and social media, it is possible to be busy all the time.  You can easily become so distracted that you disconnect from yourself and this can lead to a build-up of stress or anxiety.  Connection to self was a theme from an earlier blog of mine, and one of the ways to build this is through introspection and this is where reflection space comes in.  By reflecting on events that either went well or did not go well, you disentangle the part you had to play in them.  The Greek philosopher, Socrates, understood the importance of tuning into your inner world with his famous quote, ‘an unexamined life is not worth living’.  This idea contrasts with the prevailing norms which favour a more extrovert, socially connected ideal where an individual’s social media presence is often carefully cultivated and curated to present the best of their life. By giving yourself space to reflect you can think things through and process your learning and insight, or simply tune into what you are feeling.

It is no surprise that the growing interest in mindfulness, meditation and getting into nature are an antidote to the busyness of the mind.  Building in techniques that facilitate a tuning back into your emotions increases your potential to understand your unconscious.

4.       Notice the patterns that exist in your behaviour

Abraham Maslow (who published the seminal work on motivation contained within his ‘Hierarchy of Needs’) understood the importance of self-awareness and wrote ‘what is necessary to change a person is to change her awareness of herself’.   By taking time to be curious about your behaviour, and how you feel, and spending time reflecting on this, increases your insight and your tendency to behave in certain ways.

5.       Be aware of your contradictions

Psychotherapeutic theories, like Gestalt, believe that we are made up of parts, some of which conflict, and this is quite a helpful visual reference to hold in mind.  Working through your own contradictions is not easy, but for every strength you have, there is also the potential for this to be overdone e.g. confidence in your own ability could having lurking beneath the surface an arrogance or insecurity.  Left unchecked, this could mean that every challenge or different perspective is seen negatively and a negative pattern emerges of, for example, a leader choosing only those people who agree with him, to work alongside him, and freezing out those who disagree.

6.    Work with a coach/counsellor, with rigorous, psychological or psychotherapeutic training and who is a member of a professional body with a clearly stated code of ethics

The coaching business has grown hugely in recent years and anyone can set themselves up as a coach, or indeed a counsellor, (if they operate outside of a professional body) with very little training and start working with you on exploring your inner world.  Coaching tools and techniques have their place in building the skill-set of individuals to manage problems like time management and delegation.  However, where issues are deep-seated and more psychological, to avoid these re-emerging, it pays to work at depth on them.    

When working at a deeper level, invest time and attention in choosing a coach or counsellor who has had rigorous training to understand their own unconscious mind before being let loose on yours!  As mentioned under point 2 of this blog, there are dynamics in every relationship, including coaching and counselling ones and it is often helpful to work with these as part of the coaching or counselling relationship as they potentially contain insights into understanding your unconscious.  A well-trained coach or counsellor can help you navigate through the uncertainty of not knowing and start to facilitate your process for understanding your patterns of thinking and behaviour that emerge from your unconscious. 

  

Margaret Walsh is a registered member of the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy, a Member of the Association of Coaching and a Fellow of the Chartered Institute of Personnel & Development.  She works with individuals and groups using a mixture of coaching and psychotherapy to help deepen self-awareness from which to bring about change.  She works face-to-face as well as by Skype and telephone and can be contacted on margaretwalshcoach@gmail.com

Feeling underestimated? Seven ideas on how to feel more valued

How many people go through life knowing that they have so much more potential than is ever realised?  Probably all of us…  We all have the capability to achieve more and yet, we often give up on a goal or an ambition or on ideas thinking we’re not good enough or, perhaps, decide that it is just too difficult to keep on going.   Much of what can cause this thinking and behaviour is the way we process our inner thoughts of how we see ourselves in the world. Yet, when we start to underestimate ourselves, a cycle can develop which leads to a lack of confidence and it becomes harder to step out of our comfort zone.  So, how do you start to tackle the issue of underestimating yourself?  From my work over the years on helping others to develop their potential more fully, I have identified the following ideas:

1.      Know your own worth

This is the most important idea to work on.  How we see ourselves, and work through difficulties in our lives, sets up the pattern for what we do in the world.  We forget that others are unaware of our internal world and the thoughts that circle round and so we are judged solely on our external behaviour.  Therefore, if we choose to limit what we do this will be picked up by others and interpreted.  We might be seen perhaps, as someone who is not capable or ambitious and so less is expected of us and this can lead to feeling underestimated.

It is for each of us to value our abilities and to know that perfection simply does not exist.  We are all human and it is natural to have weaknesses and areas to develop.  Also, we need to take responsibility to know our self-worth and how that can be used in the world.  Indeed, rather than blame others when we feel we are not being appreciated we should reflect on the words of Eleanor Roosevelt who remarked: ‘no-one can make you feel inferior without your permission’.   

  

2.      Keep a record/journal of your achievements

This does not have to be a complex activity, and much can be gained from simply reinforcing the things that you are most proud of achieving or where you have made a difference.  It is not necessary to be in paid work to act on this idea, we can all contribute to the lives of our family, home or community that we are proud of and these all deserve to be captured.  Our memories are not perfect for holding this sort of information, and if it is lost we also lose an opportunity to record our worth.  It is also an opportunity to reflect on what we have done and what we hope to do in the future to retain our vitality.  Don’t forget that some of our greatest achievements may take a very long time before coming to fruition.

3.       Working outside your comfort zone

Learning should be a stretch and a challenge and so, if we are learning (which we need to do in a fast-changing world), then we face the discomfort that often comes with not knowing.  This, working through feelings of being uncomfortable, also applies to situations in which we might be underestimated or overlooked.  Sheryl Sandberg (Chief Operating Officer) in her book, ‘Lean In’, wrote of these feelings that women may have in male-dominated environments.  Being different, means that you may be kept outside of the ‘group’ and that can feel uncomfortable as we are social creatures.  Sheryl’s advice is to work through your discomfort and, lean in, (even when it is hard) and have your voice heard and your achievements acknowledged.

4.      Keep Learning

This theme has already been alluded to in the earlier ideas, but deserves specific mention here.  Life-long learning is a pre-requisite in helping us to adapt in an ever-changing and digitally-connected world.  Technology is an enabler for us all and understanding how to use it to your advantage (together with having insights into basic IT security) is a must for many in the 21^st Century.

Increasingly, the world of work values those with knowledge and skills and so to keep our skill-set sharp, we need to invest in staying up-to-date and relevant.  Knowing how to sift out news and information will also keep us well-informed and better able to know when we are being manipulated through fake-news.  Staying in touch with the wider world is also a way to avoid a thinking ‘bubble’ or ‘echo-chamber’, in which we only surround ourselves with like-minded people and so stop learning about the diversity and difference in the world.

5.      Develop a strong support system around you

Although, ultimately, we are alone in the world, our need to connect and belong is strong driver.  No-one goes through life without disappointment and upset, and to have people in your life who support and reinforce you during these times is essential.  It is worth considering whether formal support arrangements might also be helpful like mentoring or coaching.

We can act as a role-model to others of what it looks like to feel valued and therefore signal to others the benefits in knowing and appreciating our self-worth.

6.      Give back value

We are all part of a social system and one way to nurture that sense of being connected is to give back.  Volunteer to do something that will bring you joy and improve the happiness levels of others.  Small acts of kindness really do ‘make the world go around’ and are often remembered by those at the receiving end.  The strong support system mentioned in idea 5, is further strengthened through mutual acts of support and kindness towards each other.  Some of our greatest achievements come from work or an activity that is unpaid.

7.      Go for balance in your life

With the fast pace of the world and so much more to consider as our self-awareness grows, we need to ensure we have moments of joy, where we recharge.  This is not being selfish, to function well in the world and to remind ourselves that we have one life, we need to build in periods of joy and renewal.  For me, a connection with nature is a very powerful thing.  I also see many ways you can learn about change, resilience and adaptability which are essential characteristics in our world.  Most importantly, giving yourself time and space to think and to reflect is always paid back.  Be warned, staying ‘in balance’ takes effort and regular adjustment but, through conscious thought, can connect us back to knowing that we are worth working to achieve it.  

By trying out some of these ideas you will hopefully see some positive changes in how you feel about yourself.  Everyone feels down-hearted at times, just one of the emotions of being human, and these ideas will help you to understand and experience your worth in the world.

Margaret Walsh is a registered member of the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy, a Member of the Association of Coaching and a Fellow of the Chartered Institute of Personnel & Development.  She works with individuals and groups using a mixture of coaching and psychotherapy to help deepen self-awareness from which to bring about change.  She works face-to-face as well as by Skype and telephone and can be contacted on margaretwalshcoach@gmail.com

            

Sowing the seeds…

I was reflecting on my interest both in nature and in gardening and how many parallels there are for my coaching and counselling work.  When I am in the garden or, indeed, in nature, I am often thinking through or ‘processing’ my ideas about the events in my life or other peoples’ lives and trying to make sense of them or simply accept them.  Nature is as ever-changing as we are, and by tuning in and observing the shift e.g. to different seasons or the survival of a plant, we can see the interconnections in our lives.  There is learning and solace to be gained from deepening this connection. 

Indeed, from my own experience of grieving, I was aware of how much comfort I drew from working in the garden and thinking about my family’s roots, while digging amongst the roots of plants and flowers.  It helped to be physically active to work through some of the pain of the loss.  I also saw hope for the future and how, by investing time in sowing a seed or planting a bulb, new life emerged.  This renewal of nature slowly shifted something in me, and I found that, over time, I was much better able to live with my loss.

There seems to be a zeitgeist at present for using gardens and nature to aid understanding of the inner world and to improve our mental wellbeing.  Professor Tim Lang of the Centre for Food Policy at City University, London, says it’s widely recognised that regular contact with plants, animals and the natural environment can improve our physical health and mental wellbeing.  When we grow food and flowers, we’re engaging with the natural world at a pace that provides a welcome antidote to the stresses of modern life.

Yet, even with an increasing body of evidence, particularly from the medical profession, when does nature get used in the coaching or counselling room?  My experience of both coaching and counselling is that they are delivered in traditional ways in a room/office.  And there are good, practical reasons why this should be the case, not least to ensure confidentiality.  However, when you stop and listen to the language of a coach or counsellor there are numerous references to nature/gardening like:

• ·         Sowing the seeds
• ·         Germination (of an idea)
• ·         Nurture
• ·         New/green shoots
• ·         Change in conditions
• ·         Climate (or culture), micro-climate
• ·         Adapting to the environment
• ·         Feeding, watering, caring for new ideas (or plants)
• ·         Managing negative thoughts/ getting rid of the weeds

It is ironic that one of the most popular frameworks for coaching is GROW – developed by John Whitmore in the 1980s - it stands for Goals, Reality, Options and Way Forward.  Nature is one of the best examples of how to grow!    Wouldn’t it be good to form a much better connection between nature and coaching/counselling as they fit so well together?  This is something that I am starting to do.

As well as working on the coaching/counselling spectrum, I am building an understanding of nature into my work and hope shortly to be able to announce some training for coaches or counsellors on ideas to take forward into their practice.  Equally, individuals seeking to deepen their self-awareness would also benefit from attending this course.  A quote from one of our greatest thinkers, Albert Einstein, shows an insight into the powerful learning that can be gained by staying connected to nature.

‘Look deep into nature, and you will understand everything better’.

If you are interested in attending a course or having a 1:1 coaching or counselling session then please contact me on: margaretwalshcoach@gmail.com.

Hope Springs Eternal

I write this on the Spring Equinox (March 20th) when we move to equal amounts of day and night and note that this is viewed as the official start of Spring in the Northern hemisphere.  It is also seen as a time of new beginnings and I recently attended a workshop on garden writing as I am keen to integrate the garden or, indeed, Nature, into my work.  We were given a short topic of “Spring Bulbs” or writing more broadly on Spring and my perspective, shaped by my lens on the world, is set out below:  

‘Staying tuned into the world and the politics of the day is difficult to sustain, at present, as there is so much negativity.  Conflict seems at the heart of so many of the top news stories.  The global picture draws no comfort either, with a climate of fake news that is de-stablilising. 

So, where do we go to get some balance and respite?

One possibility surrounds us; it is to go into Nature.  Spring is one of the most hopeful of Seasons with plants and trees waking up from Winter’s slumber and the promise of the beauty held within starting to be released.  Step into Nature and stop for a while, with no distractions, and tune back into the rhythm of the world.  There is so much beauty that has survived another Winter when all looked bleak at times.  Nature, and particularly Springtime, teaches us lessons about resilience that we can transfer into our everyday lives.  Take a humble Spring bulb. If you planted one last Autumn then it may not have looked that inspiring.  Yet, within that bulb, was the energy to transform into perhaps a golden daffodil or a jewel-like tulip.  Contained inside each of us there is great potential that is often untapped, and this is where a deeper connection with Nature can help. 

The seasons never give up and are also present within us.  We have one life, and even if we feel that we are at the late Autumn or Winter of our days, we can still start something like a project or develop an idea which starts a new ‘internal’ season – perhaps a Spring time.  This can give us hope to sustain us in the unpredictable world within which we all live’.

If you are interested in attending a workshop that uses ‘the garden as therapy’ to deepen self-awareness and promote wellbeing then please get in touch with me via my email address below.  I should point out that this is not 1:1 therapy, but rather using the garden as a metaphor for understanding ourselves.  The workshop can be tailored to meet the needs or objectives of an organisation.

Margaret Walsh is a registered member of the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy, a Member of the Association of Coaching and a Fellow of the Chartered Institute of Personnel & Development.  She works with individuals and groups using a mixture of coaching and psychotherapy to help deepen self-awareness from which to bring about change.  She works face-to-face as well as by Skype and telephone and can be contacted on margaretwalshcoach@gmail.com

How self-doubt can develop into ‘Imposter Syndrome’

The quote below by Bertrand Russell (an early twentieth century Philosopher) is a comforting one to read if you are in the grip of self-doubt about your abilities and stalling action, as this may actually be a result of your superior intellect!

‘The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.’

Eventually, however, we do need to make a decision and doubt may make us procrastinate or be too timid in our decision-making.  We need to remember that self-doubt has its plus points in keeping us sharp, modest and thoroughly prepared.  Yet, it can also turn on us and make us feel like we do not deserve the success that we have achieved and, that one day soon, we will be found out.  This doubt can develop into Imposter Syndrome, a term that emanates from the work of clinical psychologists in 1978 – Dr Pauline Clance * and Dr Suzanne Imes (who referred to this Syndrome as Imposter Phenomenon).  

Imposter Syndrome can be described as feeling like a fraud and that we do not deserve the external success that comes our way.  Someone in the grip of Imposter Syndrome might attribute their achievements to luck; or being given a break and be fearful that one day they will be ‘found out’ or make a huge mistake.  It’s not easy to make decisions or feel good about yourself if this is the load that you carry. 

We live in a world where judgements are made about us all the time and these can be shared with large groups of people through our digital highways.  There are many images presented in the media of the perfect woman or man, be it looks or high achieving careers, that we often internalise.  This means we compare ourselves to the external ‘groomed and carefully polished’ version of success. We can then become sensitised to our own internal dialogue which can promote feelings of insecurity in our own abilities. 

The negative self-talk often associated with the Imposter Syndrome can hold us back and we can lose confidence in our own abilities and so forego promotions or work on high-profile projects for fear of not being ‘good enough’, even though we have ability to do a bigger, more challenging role. Sheryl Sandberg’s book ‘Lean In’ is very good at expressing the discomfort that can be present in the workplace, particularly for women, if you feel overlooked and the need to stand your ground to continue to ‘lean in’ so that your voice is heard.

Uncertainty is a feature of living today and most people have very little control over the outcome of, say, the Brexit negotiations or the policies of the US, both of which will have ramifications throughout the world.  Uncertainty can be stressful and to create confidence and resilience in ourselves to deal with the fast pace of change, we need to be alert to potential impact of Imposter Syndrome through staying connected to our own internal thoughts and feelings.

So, how do you manage Imposter Syndrome if you suspect you are affected by it?

It is useful to be aware of the patterns that you have grown up with and the messages from childhood that may linger and cause you to doubt your abilities.  For example, women are often given subtle messages from childhood about the traditional expectations of women. We are shaped indelibly by our upbringing and this sometimes lurks within us just outside of our conscious awareness but creates patterns to our behaviour.  The more we tune into those patterns, perhaps with the help of a coach who has the knowledge and skills to work at a deep level, the greater the likelihood of interrupting the negative self-talk that can put the brakes on the work we do or achieving our potential. 

Reflecting on achievements and allowing these to be properly absorbed is important activity for anyone who doubts their ability.  Good leaders and managers already know the power of good quality, regular feedback and using development activities to stretch and reinforce strengths.  Mentoring also has its place in learning how others manage their self-doubt to avoid Imposter Syndrome taking root. 

*There is an Imposter Phenomenon test and simple scoring system for personal use on Dr Pauline Clance’s web-site http://paulineroseclance.com/impostor_phenomenon.html to see how you rate yourself.

Margaret Walsh is a registered member of the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy, a Member of the Association of Coaching and a Fellow of the Chartered Institute of Personnel & Development.  She works with individuals and groups using a mixture of coaching and psychotherapy to help deepen self-awareness from which to bring about change.  She works face-to-face as well as by Skype and telephone and can be contacted on margaretwalshcoach@gmail.com

Connection in a world filled with easy distractions

The pace of life and the distractions of the Internet and social media mean that we can be ‘busy’ all the time.  It is an interesting paradox that the more we are connected to technology, the less we seem to be connected to ourselves and with our own emotions.  With so much to distract us externally, the price we often pay is giving little quality attention to our own inner world.  Yet our inner world is the private world where much of the rich material of our identity is developed and stored.  If we choose not to explore it, connect with it, or even acknowledge it, then how can we start to fulfil our potential, understand our own ethics, or gain a deeper self-awareness? 

A further risk associated with this disconnection from our inner thoughts and feelings is that we live our lives on auto-pilot, going through the motions of work, domestic chores and relationships without fully engaging with our inner self.  The friends and families with which we surround ourselves can inhabit their lives in similar ways and we can, therefore, create a ‘bubble’ existence.  This world we construct can feel comforting at times, but it does not protect us from our feelings that often find their way into our behaviours and can manifest themselves, for example, in the form of anxiety or depression.

Indeed, in the UK the NHS in October 2016 reported that 1 in 10 people will experience depression at some point in their lives (and 1 in 4 experiencing some form of mental health illness).  Much research and writing on depression recognises that what causes depression (in addition to a potential chemical imbalance in the brain) is a pressure we place on ourselves often by denying our own needs.  A perspective from which to view depression is as ‘an unexpressed anger that is turned inward’.  Whilst there will be many factors that lead to depression, the way we live our lives and the suppression of our feelings are likely to be contributory factors.

Staying connected to one’s feelings is not easy, and it requires a willingness to explore feelings or behaviours that one may not like.  This is some of the work that I do with individuals on a 1:1 basis, through careful listening and questioning to understand someone’s life story and the way that they see themselves and how they behave in the world.  If we look at the beliefs an individual hold about their identity, we often find many of them are out-of-date and thus constrain the individual.  For example, it is not uncommon for a woman to hear messages in childhood that align to a traditional, stereotypical role expected of women but that does not chime with a woman whose desire is to be independent and operate in the working world in the same way as a man. 

One of the words that I believe it helps to keep at the forefront of one’s mind when connecting to emotions is ‘processing’.  Describing how we feel, particularly about ourselves, is not an intellectual exercise where there is a simple answer, as emotions are often complicated and the roots of them may not be fully known to us. However, to start understanding why we feel a certain way about a key aspect of our lives, or perhaps a relationship, is important to do.  This is a strand that I will pick up and explore more fully in future blogs, but to get started it is useful to reflect on an aspect of your life that you want to change.  It may be that you dislike your job or you feel unfulfilled in some way.  Take time to consider what is going on for you and the feelings that emerge and perhaps capture these by writing them down or expressing them in some other, constructive, way.  In taking time to consider your thoughts and feelings you are starting to ‘process’ your emotions and forming stronger connections with how you think and feel.  It’s useful to consider whether there is a pattern to your behaviour that gets triggered by certain events, or situations, or even certain words.  Examining your life in this way takes time and energy, but the gain for you is that you live a life which reflects your uniqueness and is ultimately more satisfying for you as an individual.

Margaret Walsh is a Registered Member of the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy, a Member of the Association of Coaching and a Fellow of the Chartered Institute of Personnel & Development.  She works with individuals and groups using a mixture of coaching and psychotherapy to help deepen self-awareness from which to bring about change.  She works face-to-face as well as by Skype and telephone and can be contacted on margaretwalshcoach@gmail.com

   

  

Staying focused on goals when success does not feel likely

When you want to bring about a change in your life, it is hard to remain committed to your goals.  When it feels like such hard work, what are the options?  Simply give up?

What separates those who succeed over the long term, is to keep on going.  The brightest of people, like Albert Einstein, recognise this important trait in themselves.

Einstein wrote:

‘It’s not that I am so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.’

This self-awareness on the part of Einstein, undoubtedly gave him the energy and belief to keep on going, with literally world-changing discoveries and theories.  It would be good to understand a little more of this behaviour, and the strategies that Einstein employed, to see if we could ‘take them on’ and apply them in our own lives.

However, life and learning are not always that simple.  We have our own thinking processes that are complex, formed by our early experiences and reinforced by our interactions in the world. These same processes often solidify as strong beliefs about ourselves.  Sometimes, we may not even be aware of the patterns that exist in our thinking, as they are in our unconscious processing of information.  The more we learn from Neuroscience, the more that we discover that approximately 90% of our thoughts comes from our unconscious processing.  It is a sobering thought, that how you feel about yourself is largely happening beneath the surface of your conscious awareness.

The importance of understanding your ‘inner world’ and the thoughts that shape your behaviour in the external world is time well spent, as it is often from this place that sustainable change can occur.  If you feel negatively about yourself, then this is likely to ‘leak’ into your interactions with others.  Tackle those negative feelings or seek help to address them.

We should also be curious and, maybe, a little sceptical, about the messages circulating in the wider world.  Particularly when “negative” stories and news predominate, we do not always remain prepared for the hard slog of continuing to put in effort, especially when we feel we’re not going to succeed.  There are plenty of stories in the media, that show only instances of “instant success” that do not show the effort behind these results.   It is natural to feel disheartened if we think we are only faced with rejection and disappointment, and the rest of the world achieves success or happiness much more easily.

Remember that some people only provide a carefully-curated ‘version’ of themselves on social media and may only share stories or images that show their lives in the best possible light.  If we all posted a full, honest account of our lives, such accounts would have much more similarity and complexity, yet also be much more mundane.

So where does that leave you if you are feeling down-hearted?  Hopefully, you’re left with the thought that you need to stay connected with your own thoughts and feelings and process these constructively.  This is developed further in my next few blogs when I write about ‘staying tuned into self’.  Also, be prepared for the hard work and don’t give up too quickly.   

 

Margaret Walsh is a registered member of the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy, a Member of the Association of Coaching and a Fellow of the Chartered Institute of Personnel & Development.  She works with individuals and groups using a mixture of coaching and psychotherapy to help deepen self-awareness from which to bring about change.  She works face-to-face as well as by Skype and telephone and can be contacted on margaretwalshcoach@gmail.com