The pace of life and the distractions of the Internet and social
media mean that we can be ‘busy’ all the time.
It is an interesting paradox that the more we are connected to
technology, the less we seem to be connected to ourselves and with our own
emotions. With so much to distract us
externally, the price we often pay is giving little quality attention to our
own inner world. Yet our inner world is
the private world where much of the rich material of our identity is developed
and stored. If we choose not to explore
it, connect with it, or even acknowledge it, then how can we start to fulfil
our potential, understand our own ethics, or gain a deeper self-awareness?
A further risk associated with this disconnection from our
inner thoughts and feelings is that we live our lives on auto-pilot, going
through the motions of work, domestic chores and relationships without fully
engaging with our inner self. The
friends and families with which we surround ourselves can inhabit their lives
in similar ways and we can, therefore, create a ‘bubble’ existence. This world we construct can feel comforting
at times, but it does not protect us from our feelings that often find their
way into our behaviours and can manifest themselves, for example, in the form
of anxiety or depression.
Indeed, in the UK the NHS in October 2016 reported that 1 in
10 people will experience depression at some point in their lives (and 1 in 4
experiencing some form of mental health illness). Much research and writing on depression
recognises that what causes depression (in addition to a potential chemical
imbalance in the brain) is a pressure we place on ourselves often by denying
our own needs. A perspective from which
to view depression is as ‘an unexpressed anger that is turned inward’. Whilst there will be many factors that lead
to depression, the way we live our lives and the suppression of our feelings are
likely to be contributory factors.
Staying connected to one’s feelings is not easy, and it
requires a willingness to explore feelings or behaviours that one may not
like. This is some of the work that I do
with individuals on a 1:1 basis, through careful listening and questioning to
understand someone’s life story and the way that they see themselves and how
they behave in the world. If we look at
the beliefs an individual hold about their identity, we often find many of them
are out-of-date and thus constrain the individual. For example, it is not uncommon for a woman
to hear messages in childhood that align to a traditional, stereotypical role
expected of women but that does not chime with a woman whose desire is to be
independent and operate in the working world in the same way as a man.
One of the words that I believe it helps to keep at the
forefront of one’s mind when connecting to emotions is ‘processing’. Describing how we feel, particularly about
ourselves, is not an intellectual exercise where there is a simple answer, as
emotions are often complicated and the roots of them may not be fully known to
us. However, to start understanding why we feel a certain way about a key
aspect of our lives, or perhaps a relationship, is important to do. This is a strand that I will pick up and
explore more fully in future blogs, but to get started it is useful to reflect
on an aspect of your life that you want to change. It may be that you dislike your job or you
feel unfulfilled in some way. Take time
to consider what is going on for you and the feelings that emerge and perhaps
capture these by writing them down or expressing them in some other,
constructive, way. In taking time to
consider your thoughts and feelings you are starting to ‘process’ your emotions
and forming stronger connections with how you think and feel. It’s useful to consider whether there is a
pattern to your behaviour that gets triggered by certain events, or situations,
or even certain words. Examining your
life in this way takes time and energy, but the gain for you is that you live a
life which reflects your uniqueness and is ultimately more satisfying for you
as an individual.
Margaret Walsh is a Registered Member of the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy,
a Member of the Association of Coaching and a Fellow of the Chartered Institute
of Personnel & Development. She
works with individuals and groups using a mixture of coaching and psychotherapy
to help deepen self-awareness from which to bring about change. She works face-to-face as well as by Skype
and telephone and can be contacted on margaretwalshcoach@gmail.com
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