It may sound like a riddle to read that to deepen your
self-awareness, you need to understand your thinking patterns that are, most
likely, unknown to you. Yet, the
accepted wisdom in Neuroscience is that over 90% of our thoughts come from our
unconscious mind. What is going on in your
unconscious mind matters if you are serious about developing your
self-awareness. However, the challenge
here is knowing that it is easier to tune out the uncertainty of not knowing
rather than face this idea that your thoughts, which often drive your behaviour,
are outside your conscious awareness.
As it’s important to know what we’re dealing with,
I’ll start by providing an overview of what is meant by the unconscious mind. It can be viewed as the place where most of
the work of the mind gets done. It is
the store for automatic skills (e.g. breathing), the source of intuition and dreams, and an engine of information processing. Fleeting perceptions may register in the
unconscious mind (e.g. bias towards a gender or race) long before we are aware
of them. From a visual perspective, the
mind could be viewed as an iceberg, with your conscious awareness above the
water and most of the unconscious processing happening beneath the surface of the
water (i.e. outside of your awareness).
So how do you tap into your unconscious? From my studies and work, I have identified
the following six ideas as starting points to grow your understanding of your own
unconscious:
1. Be curious and open-minded about how you
are in the world
Become aware of the latest
research and literature about the unconscious by reviewing breakthroughs in the
field of Neuroscience. One of the ways
that we learn to adapt in a changing world is through our self-awareness. Also, become comfortable with ‘not knowing’
the answers; which is also very good training for living in the world where
there are so many uncertainties impacting on our lives e.g. Brexit, climate
change and artificial intelligence.
There are parallels here with our internal world; both have ambiguity that
we need to navigate and problem-solve.
With our internal world, psychometrics, theories and frameworks like
Myers Brigg Type Indicator are helpful ‘shorthand’ to gaining insight into
ourselves, but be mindful of not being ‘boxed-in’. We are all individuals.
2. Every relationship or interaction has
dynamics within and surrounding it
If you consider that everyone
that you have contact with has an unconscious, which drives behaviours that are
most likely outside of their awareness, and that these collide at times with your
own unconscious, then you start to understand the scope for conflict and
misunderstanding in many relationships.
It also starts to explain why we might surround ourselves with
individuals who have similar beliefs and ideas as our own (‘our tribe’) who may
look and sound like us. This is often
more comfortable and affirming even though we miss out hugely on the diversity
of thinking and connection that comes from being with people who are different to
us.
Psychodynamic theory, which was
first published over 100 years ago, and has an established body of research, teaches
us that our early relationships, with our parents and siblings ‘imprint’ a
pattern of behaviour that we can often repeat (frequently unconsciously)
throughout our lives. Transference is a
powerful feeling for someone whose traits mirror those of a significant person
from one’s past and can be either positive or negative. It may be that certain types of people
remind us of, say, one or both of our parents and bring out unconscious
feelings like ‘anger’ or a ‘desire to please’, which we may not even notice.
3. Use reflection time
The pace of change in the 21st
century is fast and with demanding jobs, family responsibilities, the Internet
and social media, it is possible to be busy all the time. You can easily become so distracted that you disconnect
from yourself and this can lead to a build-up of stress or anxiety. Connection to self was a theme from an
earlier blog of mine, and one of the ways to build this is through
introspection and this is where reflection space comes in. By reflecting on events that either went well
or did not go well, you disentangle the part you had to play in them. The Greek philosopher, Socrates, understood
the importance of tuning into your inner world with his famous quote, ‘an
unexamined life is not worth living’. This
idea contrasts with the prevailing norms which favour a more extrovert,
socially connected ideal where an individual’s social media presence is often
carefully cultivated and curated to present the best of their life. By giving yourself
space to reflect you can think things through and process your learning and
insight, or simply tune into what you are feeling.
It is no surprise that the growing
interest in mindfulness, meditation and getting into nature are an antidote to
the busyness of the mind. Building in
techniques that facilitate a tuning back into your emotions increases your
potential to understand your unconscious.
4. Notice the patterns that exist in your
behaviour
Abraham Maslow (who published the
seminal work on motivation contained within his ‘Hierarchy of Needs’) understood
the importance of self-awareness and wrote ‘what
is necessary to change a person is to change her awareness of herself’. By taking time to be curious about your
behaviour, and how you feel, and spending time reflecting on this, increases
your insight and your tendency to behave in certain ways.
5. Be aware of your contradictions
Psychotherapeutic theories, like
Gestalt, believe that we are made up of parts, some of which conflict, and this
is quite a helpful visual reference to hold in mind. Working through your own contradictions is not
easy, but for every strength you have, there is also the potential for this to
be overdone e.g. confidence in your own ability could having lurking beneath
the surface an arrogance or insecurity.
Left unchecked, this could mean that every challenge or different perspective
is seen negatively and a negative pattern emerges of, for example, a leader
choosing only those people who agree with him, to work alongside him, and
freezing out those who disagree.
6. Work with a coach/counsellor, with rigorous,
psychological or psychotherapeutic training and who is a member of a
professional body with a clearly stated code of ethics
The coaching business has grown
hugely in recent years and anyone can set themselves up as a coach, or indeed a
counsellor, (if they operate outside of a professional body) with very little
training and start working with you on exploring your inner world. Coaching tools and techniques have their
place in building the skill-set of individuals to manage problems like time
management and delegation. However,
where issues are deep-seated and more psychological, to avoid these re-emerging,
it pays to work at depth on them.
When working at a deeper level, invest time
and attention in choosing a coach or counsellor who has had rigorous training
to understand their own unconscious mind before being let loose on yours! As mentioned under point 2 of this blog,
there are dynamics in every relationship, including coaching and counselling
ones and it is often helpful to work with these as part of the coaching or
counselling relationship as they potentially contain insights into
understanding your unconscious. A
well-trained coach or counsellor can help you navigate through the uncertainty
of not knowing and start to facilitate your process for understanding your
patterns of thinking and behaviour that emerge from your unconscious.
Margaret Walsh is a registered member of
the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy, a Member of the
Association of Coaching and a Fellow of the Chartered Institute of Personnel
& Development. She works with individuals
and groups using a mixture of coaching and psychotherapy to help deepen
self-awareness from which to bring about change. She works face-to-face as well as by Skype
and telephone and can be contacted on margaretwalshcoach@gmail.com
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