Connection in a world filled with easy distractions

The pace of life and the distractions of the Internet and social media mean that we can be ‘busy’ all the time.  It is an interesting paradox that the more we are connected to technology, the less we seem to be connected to ourselves and with our own emotions.  With so much to distract us externally, the price we often pay is giving little quality attention to our own inner world.  Yet our inner world is the private world where much of the rich material of our identity is developed and stored.  If we choose not to explore it, connect with it, or even acknowledge it, then how can we start to fulfil our potential, understand our own ethics, or gain a deeper self-awareness? 

A further risk associated with this disconnection from our inner thoughts and feelings is that we live our lives on auto-pilot, going through the motions of work, domestic chores and relationships without fully engaging with our inner self.  The friends and families with which we surround ourselves can inhabit their lives in similar ways and we can, therefore, create a ‘bubble’ existence.  This world we construct can feel comforting at times, but it does not protect us from our feelings that often find their way into our behaviours and can manifest themselves, for example, in the form of anxiety or depression.

Indeed, in the UK the NHS in October 2016 reported that 1 in 10 people will experience depression at some point in their lives (and 1 in 4 experiencing some form of mental health illness).  Much research and writing on depression recognises that what causes depression (in addition to a potential chemical imbalance in the brain) is a pressure we place on ourselves often by denying our own needs.  A perspective from which to view depression is as ‘an unexpressed anger that is turned inward’.  Whilst there will be many factors that lead to depression, the way we live our lives and the suppression of our feelings are likely to be contributory factors.

Staying connected to one’s feelings is not easy, and it requires a willingness to explore feelings or behaviours that one may not like.  This is some of the work that I do with individuals on a 1:1 basis, through careful listening and questioning to understand someone’s life story and the way that they see themselves and how they behave in the world.  If we look at the beliefs an individual hold about their identity, we often find many of them are out-of-date and thus constrain the individual.  For example, it is not uncommon for a woman to hear messages in childhood that align to a traditional, stereotypical role expected of women but that does not chime with a woman whose desire is to be independent and operate in the working world in the same way as a man. 

One of the words that I believe it helps to keep at the forefront of one’s mind when connecting to emotions is ‘processing’.  Describing how we feel, particularly about ourselves, is not an intellectual exercise where there is a simple answer, as emotions are often complicated and the roots of them may not be fully known to us. However, to start understanding why we feel a certain way about a key aspect of our lives, or perhaps a relationship, is important to do.  This is a strand that I will pick up and explore more fully in future blogs, but to get started it is useful to reflect on an aspect of your life that you want to change.  It may be that you dislike your job or you feel unfulfilled in some way.  Take time to consider what is going on for you and the feelings that emerge and perhaps capture these by writing them down or expressing them in some other, constructive, way.  In taking time to consider your thoughts and feelings you are starting to ‘process’ your emotions and forming stronger connections with how you think and feel.  It’s useful to consider whether there is a pattern to your behaviour that gets triggered by certain events, or situations, or even certain words.  Examining your life in this way takes time and energy, but the gain for you is that you live a life which reflects your uniqueness and is ultimately more satisfying for you as an individual.

Margaret Walsh is a Registered Member of the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy, a Member of the Association of Coaching and a Fellow of the Chartered Institute of Personnel & Development.  She works with individuals and groups using a mixture of coaching and psychotherapy to help deepen self-awareness from which to bring about change.  She works face-to-face as well as by Skype and telephone and can be contacted on margaretwalshcoach@gmail.com

   

  

Staying focused on goals when success does not feel likely

When you want to bring about a change in your life, it is hard to remain committed to your goals.  When it feels like such hard work, what are the options?  Simply give up?

What separates those who succeed over the long term, is to keep on going.  The brightest of people, like Albert Einstein, recognise this important trait in themselves.

Einstein wrote:

‘It’s not that I am so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.’

This self-awareness on the part of Einstein, undoubtedly gave him the energy and belief to keep on going, with literally world-changing discoveries and theories.  It would be good to understand a little more of this behaviour, and the strategies that Einstein employed, to see if we could ‘take them on’ and apply them in our own lives.

However, life and learning are not always that simple.  We have our own thinking processes that are complex, formed by our early experiences and reinforced by our interactions in the world. These same processes often solidify as strong beliefs about ourselves.  Sometimes, we may not even be aware of the patterns that exist in our thinking, as they are in our unconscious processing of information.  The more we learn from Neuroscience, the more that we discover that approximately 90% of our thoughts comes from our unconscious processing.  It is a sobering thought, that how you feel about yourself is largely happening beneath the surface of your conscious awareness.

The importance of understanding your ‘inner world’ and the thoughts that shape your behaviour in the external world is time well spent, as it is often from this place that sustainable change can occur.  If you feel negatively about yourself, then this is likely to ‘leak’ into your interactions with others.  Tackle those negative feelings or seek help to address them.

We should also be curious and, maybe, a little sceptical, about the messages circulating in the wider world.  Particularly when “negative” stories and news predominate, we do not always remain prepared for the hard slog of continuing to put in effort, especially when we feel we’re not going to succeed.  There are plenty of stories in the media, that show only instances of “instant success” that do not show the effort behind these results.   It is natural to feel disheartened if we think we are only faced with rejection and disappointment, and the rest of the world achieves success or happiness much more easily.

Remember that some people only provide a carefully-curated ‘version’ of themselves on social media and may only share stories or images that show their lives in the best possible light.  If we all posted a full, honest account of our lives, such accounts would have much more similarity and complexity, yet also be much more mundane.

So where does that leave you if you are feeling down-hearted?  Hopefully, you’re left with the thought that you need to stay connected with your own thoughts and feelings and process these constructively.  This is developed further in my next few blogs when I write about ‘staying tuned into self’.  Also, be prepared for the hard work and don’t give up too quickly.   

 

Margaret Walsh is a registered member of the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy, a Member of the Association of Coaching and a Fellow of the Chartered Institute of Personnel & Development.  She works with individuals and groups using a mixture of coaching and psychotherapy to help deepen self-awareness from which to bring about change.  She works face-to-face as well as by Skype and telephone and can be contacted on margaretwalshcoach@gmail.com