Sowing the seeds…

I was reflecting on my interest both in nature and in gardening and how many parallels there are for my coaching and counselling work.  When I am in the garden or, indeed, in nature, I am often thinking through or ‘processing’ my ideas about the events in my life or other peoples’ lives and trying to make sense of them or simply accept them.  Nature is as ever-changing as we are, and by tuning in and observing the shift e.g. to different seasons or the survival of a plant, we can see the interconnections in our lives.  There is learning and solace to be gained from deepening this connection. 

Indeed, from my own experience of grieving, I was aware of how much comfort I drew from working in the garden and thinking about my family’s roots, while digging amongst the roots of plants and flowers.  It helped to be physically active to work through some of the pain of the loss.  I also saw hope for the future and how, by investing time in sowing a seed or planting a bulb, new life emerged.  This renewal of nature slowly shifted something in me, and I found that, over time, I was much better able to live with my loss.

There seems to be a zeitgeist at present for using gardens and nature to aid understanding of the inner world and to improve our mental wellbeing.  Professor Tim Lang of the Centre for Food Policy at City University, London, says it’s widely recognised that regular contact with plants, animals and the natural environment can improve our physical health and mental wellbeing.  When we grow food and flowers, we’re engaging with the natural world at a pace that provides a welcome antidote to the stresses of modern life.

Yet, even with an increasing body of evidence, particularly from the medical profession, when does nature get used in the coaching or counselling room?  My experience of both coaching and counselling is that they are delivered in traditional ways in a room/office.  And there are good, practical reasons why this should be the case, not least to ensure confidentiality.  However, when you stop and listen to the language of a coach or counsellor there are numerous references to nature/gardening like:

• ·         Sowing the seeds
• ·         Germination (of an idea)
• ·         Nurture
• ·         New/green shoots
• ·         Change in conditions
• ·         Climate (or culture), micro-climate
• ·         Adapting to the environment
• ·         Feeding, watering, caring for new ideas (or plants)
• ·         Managing negative thoughts/ getting rid of the weeds

It is ironic that one of the most popular frameworks for coaching is GROW – developed by John Whitmore in the 1980s - it stands for Goals, Reality, Options and Way Forward.  Nature is one of the best examples of how to grow!    Wouldn’t it be good to form a much better connection between nature and coaching/counselling as they fit so well together?  This is something that I am starting to do.

As well as working on the coaching/counselling spectrum, I am building an understanding of nature into my work and hope shortly to be able to announce some training for coaches or counsellors on ideas to take forward into their practice.  Equally, individuals seeking to deepen their self-awareness would also benefit from attending this course.  A quote from one of our greatest thinkers, Albert Einstein, shows an insight into the powerful learning that can be gained by staying connected to nature.

‘Look deep into nature, and you will understand everything better’.

If you are interested in attending a course or having a 1:1 coaching or counselling session then please contact me on: margaretwalshcoach@gmail.com.

Hope Springs Eternal

I write this on the Spring Equinox (March 20th) when we move to equal amounts of day and night and note that this is viewed as the official start of Spring in the Northern hemisphere.  It is also seen as a time of new beginnings and I recently attended a workshop on garden writing as I am keen to integrate the garden or, indeed, Nature, into my work.  We were given a short topic of “Spring Bulbs” or writing more broadly on Spring and my perspective, shaped by my lens on the world, is set out below:  

‘Staying tuned into the world and the politics of the day is difficult to sustain, at present, as there is so much negativity.  Conflict seems at the heart of so many of the top news stories.  The global picture draws no comfort either, with a climate of fake news that is de-stablilising. 

So, where do we go to get some balance and respite?

One possibility surrounds us; it is to go into Nature.  Spring is one of the most hopeful of Seasons with plants and trees waking up from Winter’s slumber and the promise of the beauty held within starting to be released.  Step into Nature and stop for a while, with no distractions, and tune back into the rhythm of the world.  There is so much beauty that has survived another Winter when all looked bleak at times.  Nature, and particularly Springtime, teaches us lessons about resilience that we can transfer into our everyday lives.  Take a humble Spring bulb. If you planted one last Autumn then it may not have looked that inspiring.  Yet, within that bulb, was the energy to transform into perhaps a golden daffodil or a jewel-like tulip.  Contained inside each of us there is great potential that is often untapped, and this is where a deeper connection with Nature can help. 

The seasons never give up and are also present within us.  We have one life, and even if we feel that we are at the late Autumn or Winter of our days, we can still start something like a project or develop an idea which starts a new ‘internal’ season – perhaps a Spring time.  This can give us hope to sustain us in the unpredictable world within which we all live’.

If you are interested in attending a workshop that uses ‘the garden as therapy’ to deepen self-awareness and promote wellbeing then please get in touch with me via my email address below.  I should point out that this is not 1:1 therapy, but rather using the garden as a metaphor for understanding ourselves.  The workshop can be tailored to meet the needs or objectives of an organisation.

Margaret Walsh is a registered member of the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy, a Member of the Association of Coaching and a Fellow of the Chartered Institute of Personnel & Development.  She works with individuals and groups using a mixture of coaching and psychotherapy to help deepen self-awareness from which to bring about change.  She works face-to-face as well as by Skype and telephone and can be contacted on margaretwalshcoach@gmail.com

How self-doubt can develop into ‘Imposter Syndrome’

The quote below by Bertrand Russell (an early twentieth century Philosopher) is a comforting one to read if you are in the grip of self-doubt about your abilities and stalling action, as this may actually be a result of your superior intellect!

‘The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.’

Eventually, however, we do need to make a decision and doubt may make us procrastinate or be too timid in our decision-making.  We need to remember that self-doubt has its plus points in keeping us sharp, modest and thoroughly prepared.  Yet, it can also turn on us and make us feel like we do not deserve the success that we have achieved and, that one day soon, we will be found out.  This doubt can develop into Imposter Syndrome, a term that emanates from the work of clinical psychologists in 1978 – Dr Pauline Clance * and Dr Suzanne Imes (who referred to this Syndrome as Imposter Phenomenon).  

Imposter Syndrome can be described as feeling like a fraud and that we do not deserve the external success that comes our way.  Someone in the grip of Imposter Syndrome might attribute their achievements to luck; or being given a break and be fearful that one day they will be ‘found out’ or make a huge mistake.  It’s not easy to make decisions or feel good about yourself if this is the load that you carry. 

We live in a world where judgements are made about us all the time and these can be shared with large groups of people through our digital highways.  There are many images presented in the media of the perfect woman or man, be it looks or high achieving careers, that we often internalise.  This means we compare ourselves to the external ‘groomed and carefully polished’ version of success. We can then become sensitised to our own internal dialogue which can promote feelings of insecurity in our own abilities. 

The negative self-talk often associated with the Imposter Syndrome can hold us back and we can lose confidence in our own abilities and so forego promotions or work on high-profile projects for fear of not being ‘good enough’, even though we have ability to do a bigger, more challenging role. Sheryl Sandberg’s book ‘Lean In’ is very good at expressing the discomfort that can be present in the workplace, particularly for women, if you feel overlooked and the need to stand your ground to continue to ‘lean in’ so that your voice is heard.

Uncertainty is a feature of living today and most people have very little control over the outcome of, say, the Brexit negotiations or the policies of the US, both of which will have ramifications throughout the world.  Uncertainty can be stressful and to create confidence and resilience in ourselves to deal with the fast pace of change, we need to be alert to potential impact of Imposter Syndrome through staying connected to our own internal thoughts and feelings.

So, how do you manage Imposter Syndrome if you suspect you are affected by it?

It is useful to be aware of the patterns that you have grown up with and the messages from childhood that may linger and cause you to doubt your abilities.  For example, women are often given subtle messages from childhood about the traditional expectations of women. We are shaped indelibly by our upbringing and this sometimes lurks within us just outside of our conscious awareness but creates patterns to our behaviour.  The more we tune into those patterns, perhaps with the help of a coach who has the knowledge and skills to work at a deep level, the greater the likelihood of interrupting the negative self-talk that can put the brakes on the work we do or achieving our potential. 

Reflecting on achievements and allowing these to be properly absorbed is important activity for anyone who doubts their ability.  Good leaders and managers already know the power of good quality, regular feedback and using development activities to stretch and reinforce strengths.  Mentoring also has its place in learning how others manage their self-doubt to avoid Imposter Syndrome taking root. 

*There is an Imposter Phenomenon test and simple scoring system for personal use on Dr Pauline Clance’s web-site http://paulineroseclance.com/impostor_phenomenon.html to see how you rate yourself.

Margaret Walsh is a registered member of the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy, a Member of the Association of Coaching and a Fellow of the Chartered Institute of Personnel & Development.  She works with individuals and groups using a mixture of coaching and psychotherapy to help deepen self-awareness from which to bring about change.  She works face-to-face as well as by Skype and telephone and can be contacted on margaretwalshcoach@gmail.com

Connection in a world filled with easy distractions

The pace of life and the distractions of the Internet and social media mean that we can be ‘busy’ all the time.  It is an interesting paradox that the more we are connected to technology, the less we seem to be connected to ourselves and with our own emotions.  With so much to distract us externally, the price we often pay is giving little quality attention to our own inner world.  Yet our inner world is the private world where much of the rich material of our identity is developed and stored.  If we choose not to explore it, connect with it, or even acknowledge it, then how can we start to fulfil our potential, understand our own ethics, or gain a deeper self-awareness? 

A further risk associated with this disconnection from our inner thoughts and feelings is that we live our lives on auto-pilot, going through the motions of work, domestic chores and relationships without fully engaging with our inner self.  The friends and families with which we surround ourselves can inhabit their lives in similar ways and we can, therefore, create a ‘bubble’ existence.  This world we construct can feel comforting at times, but it does not protect us from our feelings that often find their way into our behaviours and can manifest themselves, for example, in the form of anxiety or depression.

Indeed, in the UK the NHS in October 2016 reported that 1 in 10 people will experience depression at some point in their lives (and 1 in 4 experiencing some form of mental health illness).  Much research and writing on depression recognises that what causes depression (in addition to a potential chemical imbalance in the brain) is a pressure we place on ourselves often by denying our own needs.  A perspective from which to view depression is as ‘an unexpressed anger that is turned inward’.  Whilst there will be many factors that lead to depression, the way we live our lives and the suppression of our feelings are likely to be contributory factors.

Staying connected to one’s feelings is not easy, and it requires a willingness to explore feelings or behaviours that one may not like.  This is some of the work that I do with individuals on a 1:1 basis, through careful listening and questioning to understand someone’s life story and the way that they see themselves and how they behave in the world.  If we look at the beliefs an individual hold about their identity, we often find many of them are out-of-date and thus constrain the individual.  For example, it is not uncommon for a woman to hear messages in childhood that align to a traditional, stereotypical role expected of women but that does not chime with a woman whose desire is to be independent and operate in the working world in the same way as a man. 

One of the words that I believe it helps to keep at the forefront of one’s mind when connecting to emotions is ‘processing’.  Describing how we feel, particularly about ourselves, is not an intellectual exercise where there is a simple answer, as emotions are often complicated and the roots of them may not be fully known to us. However, to start understanding why we feel a certain way about a key aspect of our lives, or perhaps a relationship, is important to do.  This is a strand that I will pick up and explore more fully in future blogs, but to get started it is useful to reflect on an aspect of your life that you want to change.  It may be that you dislike your job or you feel unfulfilled in some way.  Take time to consider what is going on for you and the feelings that emerge and perhaps capture these by writing them down or expressing them in some other, constructive, way.  In taking time to consider your thoughts and feelings you are starting to ‘process’ your emotions and forming stronger connections with how you think and feel.  It’s useful to consider whether there is a pattern to your behaviour that gets triggered by certain events, or situations, or even certain words.  Examining your life in this way takes time and energy, but the gain for you is that you live a life which reflects your uniqueness and is ultimately more satisfying for you as an individual.

Margaret Walsh is a Registered Member of the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy, a Member of the Association of Coaching and a Fellow of the Chartered Institute of Personnel & Development.  She works with individuals and groups using a mixture of coaching and psychotherapy to help deepen self-awareness from which to bring about change.  She works face-to-face as well as by Skype and telephone and can be contacted on margaretwalshcoach@gmail.com

   

  

Staying focused on goals when success does not feel likely

When you want to bring about a change in your life, it is hard to remain committed to your goals.  When it feels like such hard work, what are the options?  Simply give up?

What separates those who succeed over the long term, is to keep on going.  The brightest of people, like Albert Einstein, recognise this important trait in themselves.

Einstein wrote:

‘It’s not that I am so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.’

This self-awareness on the part of Einstein, undoubtedly gave him the energy and belief to keep on going, with literally world-changing discoveries and theories.  It would be good to understand a little more of this behaviour, and the strategies that Einstein employed, to see if we could ‘take them on’ and apply them in our own lives.

However, life and learning are not always that simple.  We have our own thinking processes that are complex, formed by our early experiences and reinforced by our interactions in the world. These same processes often solidify as strong beliefs about ourselves.  Sometimes, we may not even be aware of the patterns that exist in our thinking, as they are in our unconscious processing of information.  The more we learn from Neuroscience, the more that we discover that approximately 90% of our thoughts comes from our unconscious processing.  It is a sobering thought, that how you feel about yourself is largely happening beneath the surface of your conscious awareness.

The importance of understanding your ‘inner world’ and the thoughts that shape your behaviour in the external world is time well spent, as it is often from this place that sustainable change can occur.  If you feel negatively about yourself, then this is likely to ‘leak’ into your interactions with others.  Tackle those negative feelings or seek help to address them.

We should also be curious and, maybe, a little sceptical, about the messages circulating in the wider world.  Particularly when “negative” stories and news predominate, we do not always remain prepared for the hard slog of continuing to put in effort, especially when we feel we’re not going to succeed.  There are plenty of stories in the media, that show only instances of “instant success” that do not show the effort behind these results.   It is natural to feel disheartened if we think we are only faced with rejection and disappointment, and the rest of the world achieves success or happiness much more easily.

Remember that some people only provide a carefully-curated ‘version’ of themselves on social media and may only share stories or images that show their lives in the best possible light.  If we all posted a full, honest account of our lives, such accounts would have much more similarity and complexity, yet also be much more mundane.

So where does that leave you if you are feeling down-hearted?  Hopefully, you’re left with the thought that you need to stay connected with your own thoughts and feelings and process these constructively.  This is developed further in my next few blogs when I write about ‘staying tuned into self’.  Also, be prepared for the hard work and don’t give up too quickly.   

 

Margaret Walsh is a registered member of the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy, a Member of the Association of Coaching and a Fellow of the Chartered Institute of Personnel & Development.  She works with individuals and groups using a mixture of coaching and psychotherapy to help deepen self-awareness from which to bring about change.  She works face-to-face as well as by Skype and telephone and can be contacted on margaretwalshcoach@gmail.com